Averi The Antagonist











Says the nerdy girl with the fake glasses. The one my friends hate when I wear because I’m being ironic (?) but I’m not. I just like to wear them. It didn’t even start ironically. I lived in New York City and Williamsburg is Hipsterville. My roommate found them disgusting, but I was fascinated. Also, I like how I look in fake glasses. And I don’t like how I look often, so fuck you very much, I’m wearing what I want.

I killed a snail today. And it completely messed everything up for the rest of my day. I was looking at the sky on my way home from buying dinner, and I was thinking about writing “I think I’m in love with the sky.”

I would have written something quasi-deep and meaningful. As much as a 21 year old with little life experience in the deep and dramatic could.

When I was walking home the beautiful sky was behind me and I thought if I stared behind me at the sky while I walk, I’d fall on my face and I’d be okay, because when I looked up, there’d be the sky.

And then I stepped and my left foot contacted a delicate shell. It drove into the ground and I felt my foot explode and like an earthquake, a sense of dread ripped up my leg and pulsated through my body, straight to my heart. Have you ever killed a snail??? It’s not the same as stepping on an ant or most any other bug.

No matter the size of the snail, you feel that crunch in your entire soul and it crushed me. It’s like you’re stepping on yourself. And internally I cried over that poor snail. And externally, I sent a snap to my best friend Kristin who I once walked the rainy sidewalks with in high school – snails like land mines, hidden over the cement.

And if I was an actual writer, i’d probably tie in some kind of metaphor. Life and fragility. Hiding behind a shell won’t save you. some shit. But I’m not. I’m an artist, but not so extensively. Also, i’ve never been one for metaphors. Maybe I’m just sad that I stepped on a snail and It changed my blog post entirely. At least the beginning of it, because I don’t think much farther than the first sentence when I write.

RIP snail. Stay away from sidewalks.



The way the ferris wheel is never one hundred percent lit up. There’s always a light out somewhere. Number Eleven is a different color than the rest and i’m not entirely sure why, but it’s a Japanese custom I think.

The design in the middle says Carnival because that’s the name of the building, but it used to be a Coke sign.

I’m the only one who knows that now.

No one will ever call the big pink store in American Village JUSCO, but that’s what it’s called. /EON i refuse. It’s Jusco. Those lost people from back then know. The ones who probably forgot and forgot about me. But I remember. That’s enough.

Because people move on usually, but I don’t know what we’re supposed to be looking forward to, so I just remember.

Nights sitting at our corner on the Sea Wall. Pointing Russian Candles at each other. That one time he pointed one at me and I had to push Lisa down so she didn’t get hit. And we laughed.

The sound of the water, sitting on the beach, not talking. The best people- to me – are the ones that can sit for hours saying nothing. The dark beach, cool wind, waves crashing. I love it. I wish it was dark now and I didn’t need a buddy to walk down to the beach and enjoy the waves.

Not that I’d mind if you were there.

It’s not that I don’t want to be with people. I just think it’d be easier to do things if I could do it alone. Mostly because I’m sure no one would actually want join me. But that’s my own anxiety talking to me. If I ever had a perpetual partner in life, it would be her. Fuck.

Home is where I was going with this. Okinawa. Japan.

Not America, which is strange but also makes sense. Yes, I’m from there, but I spent my living time here. Late nights on the sea wall, watching the fire works, or setting off the fire works. Jumping off the wall into the ocean. Running all over American Village, which used to be lit up, sure, but there were not as many lights back then. Not as many people.

The side roads and secret passages to the pancake place.

The ETWS infinity store. The one on the way to Araha used to be amazing. The one up North isn’t as fun. I miss ETWS. I always used to spell it out when I said it, but other people used to say Et-wiss. I didn’t mind much either way, it’s just weird.

The lady at that store that sold that dress to us once, but she was only opened during the school day every other Wednesday or something. We never really found out, because she was always closed when we went there.

The cat Lisa and I used to pet when we gave up trying to run in the morning. Because the sun had already come up and it’s too hot and I’m never really going to have that beach body, so we might as well just sit on the beach and talk about life and pet a cat.

The lady at Lawson that knew Michael’s order, or the man who had Zoey’s milkshake and donut ready because she always got a large mint chocolate chip milkshake and a plain donut. I’m too indecisive to be regular, but I enjoyed watching.

Getting stuck on the Green Line during country hour was never something I missed, but it was worth the weekends with Kristin, who is still my best friend. Probably the only person I talk to from high school. Which means she’s the only person I regularly talk to that I don’t see weekly.

Facebook isn’t always connection. Just because we’re friends doesn’t mean we talk.

Some friends of mine inspired me to write again. Well, they didn’t know about the writing. Just the comics. Which I am also getting back into. But I remembered writing is kind of therapeutic as well, and I’ve been more anxious as of late. I cried uncontrollably over a bottle of Gatorade last week. There was more to it than that, but it was pathetic and I hate myself again.

They keep telling me to stop saying that. So it’s starting again.

So I’ll probably come back here and self-loath to the internet so my friends don’t find out and scold me. Don’t know what that actually says about our friendship. It’d be nice to be honest with someone, but I don’t like being lectured. I’d like to heal my own way at my own pace. But that’s not the way society works, so I’ll stay quiet and joke about my uselessness and worthlessness to cover up my anxieties and fears and laugh when they tell me to stop. I’m just joking.

Just joking.

Okinawa is my home. Although no one is here from back then. There’s new people.

Maybe they can be home too.

 

 



Occasionally, I get around to cleaning my room. In my perpetual state on temporary living, I always have boxes of things rather than permanent displays that will be taken down and put back up again only to be returned to boxes. Toys, pictures, knick knacks and useless things, all packed in boxes littered in my room. In my latest room, I have a closet, like an insert into the wall. Almost a separate entity from the room itself. and inside that closet are my boxes of things.

I would say the majority of things in those boxes are little toys. Keychains, patches, buttons…things which interest in fades almost as soon as obtained.

One of my favorite feelings is finding things when I clean my room. All those toys I wasted my allowance on in those 100 yen machines on Okinawa. Or my collections of flattened pennies, which I’m currently sad to be so far away from. I finally got a book for them. I left it in my bookshelf in my parents’ house. My house, I suppose. But I was in college when they moved into this house. I didn’t move there. I just moved in. Temporarily. Until it was time for me to go again. I don’t really have a house. I guess I like that. But I like having a place to put my stuff.

My parents’ house will do.

My computer is like my room, and all the websites I used to visit, those boxes in my closet. Not at the top of my mind, but I have fond memories and I always plan to come back. Youtube. Comics. WordPress. Writing. Tumblr. Art. I think I said it before, I like documenting for the sake of it. My words trapped here on the internet for everyone and no one. God, that sounds so … I can’t really think of the word for it. cliche? Not quite so. But still, I’d roll my eyes if it wasn’t early morning and i hadn’t been reading dramatic short stories I wish someone would write for me.

Recently I made a bad decision.

Bad. Maybe not. But not good, I think. I live a very temporary lifestyle. People come and go and if they were not the best of people, I let them go. I want to hold on to anyone. But the amount of people that I talk to from my past could be counted on my hands. Is that sad? I don’t know. I’ve always been jealous of the childhood friends. My mother still talks to someone she knew in fourth grade. I have no idea where anyone from back then in my life is now.

And I don’t really care to find out.

I did once. And I tried, and I found out that they don’t. Maybe I just think about people more than they think about me. I imagined running into those old and best friends for years and how we’d be best friends once again. Wow. Naive. Maybe that’s the word I’m looking for. I’m always thinking of others, but I think if i’m not around maybe they don’t think about me. I wrote some dumb poem about it once for that boy I liked in fourth grade who I never talked to again after I moved.

I don’t remember where I was going with this.

I’m going to start over. Not with this post, but with my usual pattern of starting over. Maybe I’ll post here once or twice more in the next month and fade away again. When wordpress reminds me it exists and I read stories that inspire me to write.

Thanks.



{February 16, 2015}   Prelude to Foundation

“Prelude to Foundation” is a science fiction novel written by Isaac Asimov. It’s about a guy named Hari Seldon who invents the theory of Psychohistory which is the probability to predict the future of humanity, using the past. Like sociology and anthropology and all the ologies working together. This is millions of years in the future when 25 million planets are ruled by an empire and earth is a mythical planet that not a lot of people believe was even real. Which is insane. Like trillions of years in the future if humans are still alive, we never existed to them. What I find funny is that the legends say we were defeated by robots. So anyhoo, the Emperor of the universe wants Hari to predict that he will have a peaceful rule to maintain his power, but Hari refuses to help because his theory is possible but not practical, meaning Psychohistory is not actually a working practice. He goes on the run with the help of Hummin and Dors, two people he meets who want to help him develop Psychohistory. This is the story of the beginning of Hari’s adventure with Psychohistory.
I only started reading science fiction about two years ago and I loved it instantly. It has something that young adult fiction just doesn’t. I’d only been reading teen drama stories. The hero is a normal person with normal problems and normal solutions that change her normal life in a normal way. Mostly she falls in love. I like that story, but it had gotten predictable. I already knew every character and their arc by the time I reached page 10. Admittedly, the YA fiction gives me more plot twists than the teen fiction did.
Then I started reading science fiction. I read Ender’s Shadow, which is actually the second version of Ender’s Game. It’s the exact same story but told from a different boy’s perspective. And there were so many books in that series, and they split off in dynamic ways. I would probably say Sci-fi became my favorite genre because of those books. I’m sorry to hear Orson Scott Card is a dick, but I love his books. Talented people can be the worst kind of jerks sometimes!
So, last summer I asked a friend of mine what Sci-fi books would be good to read and she said I had to read Isaac Asimov. And then I googled him and he’d written a lot of books so I googled more and found that his Foundation series was the must-read-first series. The Internet said to start with “Foundation” but I found “Prelude to Foundation” which is the prequel. I actually like to read the prequels to books first because they are technically the first story. You get a lot of background and I don’t think you really lose anything from the story by knowing where things come from.
Except maybe the fun of filling in the blanks when the original series is over.
I absolutely loved the book. I loved the characters and I found the setting exciting. I loved the flow of the writing and the crazy plot twists. I fully intend to finish the series just as soon as I get out of boot camp. I wish I hadn’t been so lazy about everything these past few months. But wishing won’t really change anything. I only feel this way now because my time is up. I suppose that’s why They say to live every day like it’s your last. One day you won’t get the chance to do all the things you want to do.
So, what I really wanted to mention about the book was my head canon for some of the characters. If you haven’t read the book yet, feel free to skip this next paragraph so I don’t ruin your head canon.

Hari Seldon- Charlie from Numb3rs, but with a British accent for some reason.
Hummin- haven’t really decided but kind of a Harrison Ford type
Dors- Julie from Selfie but with lighter hair
Emperor- Commodus from Gladiator
Demerzel- no real image, just a man in shadow
Raindrop 43 – Keira Knightly
Raindrop 45 – Natalie Portman
Mayoress of Wye- Meryl Streep
Raych- That kid in Les Mis who dies.

Those are the main people that stuck out to me for some reason.
Anyhoo, that’s my review. Totally go read the book. I’m going to sleep now. It’s 1 in the morning and I have to wake up at 6. It’s going to be so weird to adjust to a regular sleep schedule at boot camp. Apparently we sleep from 8 to 5. But I always sleep from like 2 to 10.
See you when I see you.



{February 12, 2015}   I’m Leaving

This could be one of those careful-what-you-wish-for type of things. I just wanted to get out of my house and the gods answered my call. I get to leave for boot camp sooner than I thought I would. A lot sooner. Months sooner. In a few days….sooner.
I am filled with fear and self doubt that only increases as the moments count down and the time approaches.
I don’t even have all my general knowledge yet! I didn’t want to be one of those people who went down without knowing my knowledge, but now I am. I don’t even know all my general orders.
I can’t even do a pull up, I still do push ups the girly way, I haven’t passed my IST, and I’m still the slowest and weakest in my pool. I don’t think I’m ready but my recruiter says I fit all the standards I need to fit. I’ll get better once I’m there.
But I’ve never been a get better type of girl. I just like being better already. I’m so nervous about being the weakest girl there. And yes, (girl topic spoiler alert) I’m also a little nervous about what happens if I’m on my period when I get there. Do you think they’re very strict about bathroom breaks over there? I should be starting mine any day now. Ugh, it’ll be so awkward. But statistically speaking, there should be a few other girls also on their periods there, right? I heard while you’re in boot camp, because of the exercise and diet, it pretty much goes away, but what about when I first get there??? I’m just praying my uterus leaves me alone for the next few months. I’m still not a confident person to begin with; I don’t need the hassle of needing potty breaks.

Okay, girl topic over.
I guess that’s all I have to complain about this time. It’s the middle of the night and I just got the call this morning, so I’m still kind of in disbelieving shock.
I try to keep my mind off it by thinking about all the little things I’ll miss. Like my iPhone apps, Netflix, YouTube, my comics, junk food……and sleep. I just got married again in that Kim Kardashian Hollywood app that I’m guiltily addicted to. He’s totally going to break up with me when I get back. Of course when I got married to him, I found out you get a whole new set of dresses you can choose from. Maybe on the third try, I’ll get even more~
Also, I won’t be able to finish Friends before I go. I was supposed to be binge watching that, but I got side tracked by Ghost Whisperer.
And I won’t reach generation 10 in my sims 3 game. Although, I’ve been debating on whether or not to accomplish that or catch up on my comics in my remaining days.

Goodness, I talk like I’m leaving forever. And like I didn’t have the past few months to get to gen 10.

Alright well I’m tired now that I’ve gotten that off my chest. I’m going to go to sleep now and try not to worry about how awful my sleep schedule is and how I will hate it even more when I get down to boot camp.

Keep OPSEC
Good night:)



{February 4, 2015}   On an endless spiral

There are some videos you can’t watch without watching more like them.

Not like Netflix, where you can’t stop binge watching Friends because CHANDLER AND JOEY ARE PERFECT. I mean Youtube. Those videos like seeing military people surprise their family coming back from war, marriage proposal videos, cat videos…that kinda stuff.

I like to think of myself as an artist. So I get sucked into a vortex of speed painting and drawing tutorials that are filled with all these talented and amazing creators. Like…HOW ARE PEOPLE SO TALENTED? Everything is amazing, and I wish I was a part of that! I’m so jealous of their abilities, i feel like I’m crap. It’s a dangerous spiral to get caught in. The thing about heros is that we recognize their superiority. If everyone is your hero, you start to feel a little insecure. It doesn’t help that I’m kind of an insecure person to begin with.

But on the opposite side of feeling sorry for myself, videos of people being the type of person i want to be are incredibly motivating. Not just those speed painting magicians, but people who travel the world, people who are good at fitness, everyone in the DIY section on Pintrest.

I aspire to be like those people. Or at least adopt some aspects of their abilities into my life.

Oh, which is also why I haven’t blogged for the past week. I tore my room apart last Thursday–or maybe it was Tuesday–and I’ve been trying to put it back together ever since. I even broke a drawer on my dresser. I may have too many socks. I don’t think there’s such thing, but apparently my dresser begs to differ. And it doesn’t appear to be an agree to disagree sort of situation. It took me all weekend to organize my closet.

Now I’ve got miscellaneous trinkets lying around my floor waiting to either decorate my bookshelves or be…..I haven’t decided yet. This is the kind of struggle you have to go through when you’re a pack rat. And then I started hanging up my pictures and drawings on the walls. At first, I had only five really big posters. Two on two walls and one on a third wall. The last wall is taken up by my closet and dresser with a mirror on it. I’ve got some of my art supplies in a second dresser.

I’m thinking I’ll separate my bookshelves by category. The one nearest the window will be more reading book and maybe books I keep around for memorabilia or undesignated plans. I have a book of works by Plato from college that I’ve considered reading many times, but haven’t actually gotten around to. I just feel like reading Plato would make me feel smarter.  On the other side of my bed is the other bookshelf, which I sleep closest to. I have a queen sized bed, but I feel weird sleeping in the middle of it for some reason. Anyhoo, I think I’ll put sketchbooks and files there, plus practical books like my film books, animation books, drawing tutorials, other guides and books I actually read. That will make them accessible to me quicker. in my mind.

I have this plastic shelf that hasn’t really fit anywhere, but I just moved this cube cabinet thing into my closet to hold extra clothes, so I think I’ll move it there. That way I can put my lamp and laptop on top of it.

Talking it out has made me more clear on what I’m doing. Sorry for the stream of consciousness cleaning plan. I actually came here to rant about how motivated I am to draw. But I’ve changed my mind. I’m still motivated to draw, but the sooner I get all this clutter off the floor and in a pintrest worthy formation in my room, the sooner I’ll be happy.

I can’t wait until I have a house of my own to decorate from scratch. I’m sure it’ll be stressful and tedious when I’m working on it, but maybe it’ll turn out happy-making in the end. Then I can get on to art. Okay, thanks for your time. Have a nice day.



{January 26, 2015}   Web comics

I love web comics. I love the really simple ones, usually about moments in life. Even when they’re not necessarily funny. Comics made to vent about one’s own life. In a way, it’s like a blog. When you write for yourself, I think other people enjoy your work much more.

Some of my favorite webcomics are

http://humon.deviantart.com/ anything by humon on deviantart. She has several comic series’ out. They’re stories that she’s written, or sometimes updates on her own life, in a way. I love her style. And I’m impressed she manages to regularly update several different comics. More on that later.

This guy, http://waywarddoodles.deviantart.com/, Way Ward Doodles. His comics are simple, although they are sometimes animated gifs, which is pretty awesome.

http://dragongirlhellfire.deviantart.com/ She has this one webcomic out called The Bright Side about this girl, Emily –reminiscent of Emily the Strange– who befriends the Grim Reaper, whom she names Dee. I look forward to her updates, which I believe are weekly if her schedule permits. I hate being caught up in a good series because waiting is tragic. ugh.

and http://www.exocomics.com/ which is just brilliant. My best friend Kristin recommended it to me because she thought the main character–who is also the artist–reminded her of me. Reading the comic, I can see why she would say that. I definitely relate to the mindset of Li, but she’s like ten times more amazing than me because her mind actually came up with this comic. And her art is so cute.

There was another one that my best friend showed me because the main characters looked like us, but I don’t remember the name of it. Anyhoo, after reading a bunch of web comics I decided I wanted to make one of my own. I thought maybe I wanted to make a story based one, but I couldn’t actually come up with a story. Then I thought I would do what other people do and just make a webcomic that portrays some humorous moments in my life. Some slightly more exaggerated than others.

I never realized how difficult it could be to make a webcomic series. First of all, there’s the time management. It takes surprisingly long to create one comic. I’m still not very good at drawing on the computer, so I draw all my comics out traditionally first and then scan them. Then I draw over them and color them on the computer. This probably adds time to the whole process, but I’ve tried to just draw the comics on the computer several times and I’ve never been truly satisfied with the results. Then there are the ideas themselves. I don’t necessarily make my comics to be funny. And sometimes I find things funnier than they actually are. Sometimes I can’t even really portray an event with justice. I scrap a lot of ideas. But I also write down a lot of ideas. And then I’m swamped with ideas. By the time I get around to some comics it’s already off season. I just uploaded a comic about spring last week. it’s December. I’ve lost my touch with time management since college though, so that could just be a personal thing.

On the other hand, the whole thing has been surprising to me. I can’t believe I’ve been doing it for nearly three years. I started just before I moved away to college. I still don’t have a lot of likes on my facebook page, or watchers on deviantart, or followers on tumblr –all of the places I post my comics– but I enjoy making them. And they make my friends smile. That’s what I like the most about comics. I like looking through them and remembering. I love when my friends look through them and laugh about that time we did that thing.

I fell off schedule a little bit last year. Especially when I went abroad. I imagine the same thing may happen this year after I go to boot camp. But I’m trying to catch up on all the left over comics from last year so I can start clean and post comics regularly about this year. Tomorrow I’ll be uploading a bunch of comics from my time in Italy. Then next week I plan to finish all my Germany comics, and if I have time all the comics from the remainder of last year once I moved back to Virginia. Maybe I’ll include some of my time in New York when I visited last November.

If you feel like checking out my web comics, they’re here: https://www.facebook.com/JustSayAloha, here https://www.tumblr.com/blog/averisportfolio although I’m very behind on updating it, and here http://thekawaiiseeall.deviantart.com/gallery/34222071/Comics-and-memes

Thanks. See you when I see you.



{January 25, 2015}   Dream Documentation

I should really get into the habit of using my dream journal again. I did for a time. i have a collection of some very strange dreams I’ve had over the years. But the last few years I haven’t written anything. College, specifically. That seems to be a pattern. It seems almost contradictory that I didn’t actually do anything with my life while I was in college. I just did college. But I digress.

I have the strangest dreams, if I didn’t already mention that before, with the same specific adjective. And I feel as though I am on the verge of lucid dreaming. I always feel like I’m very aware of my surroundings and the face that I’m dreaming. I almost feel myself lying there, but also watching me do whatever I do. See, I actually star in a lot of my dreams. Is that common, or am I some secret egoist? I suppose everyone is, really. So it’s probably nothing to worry about.

Anyhoo, this morning–or last night, i guess– I had another interesting dream, only I don’t remember all of the details. I know it was night and I was in a building.

The building was either some kind of shop or a store house. I was maybe patrolling, or I just happened to be there– teleported into existence with the activation of my subconscious. There was a boy there that reminded me of Aladdin from Disney, but he was only about 13 or 14 and his hair was shorter. Also, he was real and not a cartoon. So maybe not like Aladdin at all, except he was tan and dressed in rags. He was panicked, maybe. I remember he was stealing milk. Who knows why. Maybe I did at the time. I don’t remember if I was on his side or not, but I was a witness to his thievery and I followed him as he tried to exit the building. Except I didn’t exit the building. I found myself alone in a small bathroom, facing a mirror with a strange feeling on my abdomen. I lifted my shirt in the mirror and right below my chest was large, light pink flower, seemingly glued to my body. it felt so strange. It was about the size of my hand, if I were to lay it on my abs and stuck out about two or three inches. There were light green petals sticking out from the bottom. I can’t even describe the substance between my skin and the flower, but I felt compelled to pick at it and peel off the flower like a scab.

It wasn’t a great feeling, and I woke up still feeling it. I’ve been rubbing at my abs all day, just weirded out. Just thinking about it makes me uncomfortable. I’m relieved to feel normal skin there and not a giant flower. It looked kind of like a very opened up rose to me.

What does it mean? Are my abs trying to tell me that they’re ready to blossom into a six pack? Okay, maybe a four pack? Haha, that would be brilliant.

The rest of my day passed mostly uneventful. I was criticized about sleeping in last night, so I tried to wake up earlier. I got up at 10. I was aiming for 8. I took Indy and Libo, my dogs, out for a walk. We got lost for about 40 minutes and then returned home. I tried to edit my vlog for It’s Averi and Zoey, my Youtube channel, but the quality that I shot last night was horrible. I ended up just putting up a 2 minute video of my cat, Daisy standing on a door. I just gave up. I’ve been trying to shoot something since Thursday, but it just never panned out. My next video is the week after next, and I plan on doing a book review of the book I’ve been reading for the past month. It’s not that it’s a bad book, when I make time to read it I make very quick progress. I could probably finish it in two or three days, but my reading habits aren’t what they used to be and I just have to practice. My mind wanders too much sometimes to my apps, or my other priorities. I spend so much time worrying about organizing my priorities that I hardly get anything done! I bought Adobe Premiere Pro for myself as a Christmas gift and I have yet to make any kind of film! It’s 20 bucks a month! D:< Bad, Averi. Two or three edited vlogs a month doesn’t really cut it. I’ve been meaning to make short films and animations and I figured actually buying the product would motivate me to make some progress in my production, so I can get my money’s worth. And I’ve practically wasted the first month! not even practically! I did waste it!

Sorry for all the exclamation marks.

Once I get through catching up on my comics from last year, I want to start working on an animation. Just an intro video for IAAZ (It’s Averi And Zoey). And I still have to put together all my video from Italy last summer.

Okay, I’ve ranted enough. It’s time to sleep. Thanks for listening. Or reading, i mean. Have a nice day.



{January 22, 2015}   Moving Out and Moving On

Maybe it’s because I’m not in high school anymore, I feel like I shouldn’t be living with my parents. I feel like I failed after I stopped going to college. It’s not like I was paying for it myself anyhoo. It’s annoying that I’m still not an independent person. And it feels worse with every day I stay here. Mostly because I’m not doing anything. I don’t have a job, I don’t do anything. I sleep and watch tv, then I go to PT twice a week. I should be working out more and getting out often but I don’t. Ugh. How is it I can hate myself so much but not do anything about it!? And I’m always guilt tripping. My parents ask me what I’ve done today and it’ s always nothing. Always sleeping in and not working out and watching tv and reading instead. I feel like they’re disappointed. They don’t believe I’ll ever leave. They don’t think I’m good enough. But I do want to leave. I think I’m trying. I know I’m not trying hard enough but I want to leave. I don’t like being a useless adult living with her parents who fight all the time. I was ready to leave home when I was 18 and I was never coming back. I wasn’t trying to stay here. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I get motivate for a day or so and then I’m lazy and unmotivated again. What’s the point of doing anything? How do I find the motivation? Why am I so useless? I’ve started this new year under terrible conditions. I haven’t actually done anything and the first month of the year is almost over!!! I put charts all over my room to keep track of my progress and there’s nothing but red lines to mark my inactivity. I schedulss e my day to stay productive, but I can’t see anything but the snooze button in the morning. I try all the tricks to make myself wake up. I place the alarm across the room; I stand up snooze it and bring it back to the bed so I can snooze it later. I’m very good at talking myself out of doing things. I know I’m a pathetic loser because I admit it and I don’t do anything about it. And no one tells me any different because they believe it too. I don’t have any friends around me to talk to or hang out with. My parents probably think I’m useless, and whenever I open my mouth they get angry. I should learn to stop having opinions. It only gets me in trouble. I know after ranting like this I’ll probably try tomorrow to stay out of the house. Take the dogs for a walk. Maybe I’ll even do it Friday. But it just seems like every couple of days I have to remind myself what a useless human being I am in order to get anything done. It’s a miserable way to live. I just hope I can get into boot camp and I’ll feel better when I can finally be independent.

I’ve never felt really confident before. I’m kind of afraid I’ll never learn how.



{January 17, 2015}   Confidence

I hate pretending I know what I’m doing.

I’m taking a physical test soon, but I’m pretty sure I won’t pass it. Not because I’m a negative person; i’m just being realistic. I just did the same test on Tuesday and I failed. I was told to rest until the test, so it’s not like I’ve been training. Yes, my muscles will be fresh, but I haven’t yet achieved the minimum qualifications in the first place. You see, on the test, we have to do crunches. I have to do 55 crunches in 2 minutes. The first time I took the test, I did 20. The second time, which was only last week, I did 30. On Tuesday, I did 35. I’m fairly sure I won’t get 55 from 35 since I’ve never done 55 in 2 minutes, even when training. It’s a slow progress. I’m sure I will be able to do 55 crunches in 2 minutes. Just not tomorrow.

But I’m not allowed to say that. I voiced my concerns, and I was criticized. My muscles don’t always listen to my brain. At some point they give because they don’t know how to do what I’m telling them to. I have been doing well as far as progress, and I think I’m going to do okay with more training, but why is it so bad that I’m sure I can’t make it. It’s the wrong kind of confidence. I’m supposed to smile and cheer myself on. Yeah, I can totally do 100 situps in 2 minutes. Never mind the fact that I haven’t done so yet. I can totally do 10 pullups. It’s okay that I couldn’t do even 1 yesterday. I’ll do 10 no problem! 1 1/2 miles? ha! I’ll do that in 10 minutes. Ace it! Never mind that running it in 13 minutes makes my lungs hurt and my legs numb. I’m fast as a cheetah, specifically because I told myself to be. Yay believing in yourself! You can do whatever you put your mind to! Forget physical capabilities! It’s all in your mind!

Ugh. That’s such bullshit. I am a positive person, I’m just not annoyingly optimistic. Look, yes, I can do 55 crunches. Maybe I can even do 100 crunches in 2 minutes. But not tomorrow. Tomorrow I can maybe get 40. Yes, I can probably run 1 1/2 miles in 10 minutes, with a lot of training. But not tomorrow. Tomorrow, I can maybe get 12:45, because that’s what I got the last 2 times. And I was running hard. Maybe I can get 12:30 if my legs don’t go numb so early. Yes, I can do 10 pullups. I’ve yet to do 1 pullup without the assistance of a rubber band, but I know it’s possible. But not tomorrow. Tomorrow I can’t do push ups. Tomorrow I will do the flex arm hang. And yes, I can hang on the bar for a minute. Maybe I can do it tomorrow. I think the longest I’ve hung on the bar is 45 seconds. But that 15 seconds is a very long time when you lose control of your arm muscles.

Of course, I don’t get the time in real life to explain all of this. If I just mention that I don’t think I’ll be able to do what it takes, I’m a negative nancy who’s doomed for failure because she doesn’t believe in herself. It’s more than that! I wish I could explain that it’s more than pessimism. But most people don’t even think realism is anywhere close to optimism. Realism is as bad as pessimism when you say you can’t do something. Yes, I believe in myself, but I also know my limits and my abilities. It’s not self doubt, it’s not pessimism, it’s not low self esteem, or a lack of self confidence. I just know what I’m fucking capable of. Shit.

Sorry. It’s just frustrating. Sometimes i try to confide in people, and they judge me for it. I never learn because I have to live with said people. That’s what I turn to the internet for. Someone will listen to me. Maybe. ugh.

There’s where the self doubt comes in, by the way. No one I talk to listens to me, like really listens to me, and it makes me scared to open up to anyone who could listen to me. I’m sure there are plenty of people out there who share my fears and worries or actually have helpful advice, or they’ll just listen and sympathize, but I only talk to people who don’t like what I have to say. At least that’s what it feels like. I miss having my friends around me in person. Everyone I could actually talk to is far away. But i can text them. But time zones make it annoying to have real talks. I guess it’s the same as blogging into some virtual abyss and hoping someone cares.

I’m twenty years old and I have angst like a 16 year old. God, I’m so not ready to be an adult.



{January 14, 2015}   2015. Year of the blog.

Okay, maybe 2012 was the year of the blog. I was right on that bandwagon. But I fell off, and now I want to do it again. So 2015, year of the blog.

I considered, very briefly, of keeping a diary. I’ve been keeping journals since I was old enough to write, but then the internet happened and now my life is documented all over facebook, instagram, twitter and youtube. I thought just now, maybe I will keep a journal. I have a notebook sitting next to me and I planned on writing in it. This year I would make myself keep a journal. Then I thought but no one would read it. Because clearly the point of a diary is to share your inner thoughts with the entire world. duh. So I thought about the blog that I once had but forgot about, and I decided to start that up again. Because I am very much a product of my generation. I would like to be seen and be heard and be listened to, but I don’t actually have the confidence to reach for those things in the real world. So I silently pour my feelings out onto the vast web full of all walks of life, hoping someone will bite. Or wander in. Glimpse. Maybe I would never know, but someone would be there. Someone would know. I can’t pretend to understand the philosophy behind the need for attention, but I know i am a victim of it. So here I am. Here is my blog. Feel free to wander in and never let me know. Or do so. Maybe I can talk to someone I have never and maybe will never meet in my life. That’s what the internet is for.

Want to know a secret?

I’m trying to join the military. I don’t like to tell people about it because i am afraid I am not good enough. I was never a sporty person in high school, or in college. I was fairly smart, but I am no where near athletic. I got C’s in P.E., if you can believe it. When you’re trying to join the military, you work out with a group of people who are also trying to join the military. Unfortunately, most of these people are generally not lazy, and have worked out for a while. Most of them are high schoolers in sports, or they work out regularly. Most of them didn’t go to art school for two years in New York City, sitting around painting pictures and eating Chinese food. Most of them are in shape.

I look like I’m in shape. I could probably fool anyone into thinking I work out regularly if I’m just talking to them. Looking at me, there seems to be no reason not to believe I don’t work out. It’s when you get to know me. That’s when you don’t believe in me. I am very outwardly lazy. I complain about doing anything physical. It’s probably a coping mechanism. I always had straight A’s in high school, so I was used to being the best at what I do. I don’t like being inadequate. But I am not good at working out, and I lack the patience to make myself better. I just want to be better already! I don’t like to push myself, because it’ll only prove that my limits are so far below what I want them to be. What I need them to be. My sprinting is someone else’s jogging. I can’t do a single pull-up. Or a push-up without my knees. It’s demotivating.

And I have no excuses. I laugh about my insecurities to mask my fear, and I come off apathetic. When I told my college friends I was joining the military, none of them could really believe it because I was a very laid back person. I was a go with the flow girl who complained about going to the gym. I made up excuses and I put it off for as long as possible. The thing I learned is that being self-depreciating is a blow to the confidence. No one could actually see me in the military, doing military things. Being that badass. And that sucked because I totally could if I wanted to. But when other people don’t believe in me, I start to doubt myself. Maybe I can’t do it?

Every time I work out, I wish I had gone to the gym more in college. But somehow I don’t even know if it would have helped. The summer before my junior year in high school, I started running in the morning. It was probably close to a 3k run. At first I kind of walked the first half of it, but then I’d meet up with a friend and run the second half with her. We did this three times a week for two summers, and my senior year I joined cross country for a semester. Ugh, that was crazy. I thought running had not prepared me for this. Anyhoo, I feel kind of like that again. I feel like I regret having only a semi-active lifestyle. I suppose it prepared me some. I could have been in worse shape. Being in New York meant I walked everywhere. So my running is not too bad. It’s everything else that’s bad. I have awful upper body strength. And my core strength has been holding me back like crazy. I can’t do crunches to save my life. Which is kind of what the military is for. I really need to join up, because it’ll just make life better for me. I’m going no where right now. And I really need to find some kind of direction in my life. I know the military isn’t for everyone. I just hope that doesn’t apply to me.

Anyhoo, enough venting for tonight. I haven’t decided how often I want to blog yet. Ideally, maybe something small every night. Maybe I’ll do something every week. or maybe I’ll just vent if I’m having a bad day. You know, for the world to hear about. I guess for now, I’ll be back when I remember to be back. Thanks for reading. See you when I see you.



{April 14, 2013}   Hi All!

I know I haven’t posted in a long long long long while, and I probably won’t be posting again for a while. I don’t know why.

But anyhoo, if you’re interested, I vlog regularly on Youtube at http://www.youtube.com/user/JustSayAl0ha  and I’m mentioning this blog there today.

I’m doing this thing called VEDA or vlog everyday in April and my latest vlog should be up in a few hours.

kthnxbai!😀



{October 26, 2012}   Aloha Averi

I posted my latest vlog on youtube today.

I actually managed to get it out on time too. Well, as on time as I always hope for it to be. I still have two hours until Engish starts, which means I can relax now…or do my English homework, of course.

Today is Thursday. It was a fairly busy day, as far as Thursdays go. When I first heard that I had Thursdays practically off, I thought it would be a sleep in day. That would be nice.

And I do sleep in. By about a half hour. Thursdays have turned into my errand and blog days. I like the blogging part, of course. I’m not really very good at it yet, but a lot of people aren’t when they first start out. And what is blogging anyhoo? Just talking about your day and stuff. Or whatever you want.

That’s how I justify it to myself.

I finished my 3D project today. We were supposed to be building sculptures of our heads out of various materials. It could have been as awesome and creative as we wanted. A lot of the others’ were. Mine is not. I feel a little behind right now. My sculpture looks like a conglomerant of wood and plastic sewed together with metal wire. That’s literally what it is. meanwhile my friend Sarah, molded plexi glass around wood and golden painted wires. I didn’t go all out, admittedly. I’m a little disappointed with the result.

I do like the possibilities of the woodshop though. All the power tools make me nervous–they make odd, loud noises and it just feels like everyone is looking at me cuz i’m doing something wrong. but I want to make more things. Sarah’s sculpture looks amazing. I want to work with plexi glass. I’m thinking about going to this store, Plastic land, soon to get some and make something of it. I don’t know what.

Halloween is next week. I was out buying headphones–mine broke–and I found a bunch of cheap accessories that I’ve decided to make into my costume. I can’t tell you what it is though. xD I think it’s very creative.

Don’t judge me.

That’s about it for now. Please go watch my video. I’m going to take a nap before english….. i mean do my homework…..yeah…… ;3



{October 2, 2012}   Happy October 2012

Hey guys,

Happy October. As usual, I haven’t been posting a lot, but I will now to make up for it. I promise I will blog regularly.

 

Meaning I will regularly come in every month or so and apologize for my lack of regular blogging. Not that you read this anyhoo.

So October. I don’t really know what I’ve got planned. A lot of things I have been doing since moving to art school.

It’s been really great here and I’ve been having a lot of fun. Also, I started vlogging recently on Youtube, so check out my channel, http://www.youtube.com/user/JustSayAl0ha

There’s not a lot up right now, but that’s cool.

Right now I’m watching the vlogbrothers on youtube. recently, they made their 1000th video, and i hadn’t been there the whole time, so I am watching from the beginning. I’m at February now though. I have got a long way to go. And I am going.

I have a lot of youtube ideas and stuff, but I can’t decide on what to do. Unfortunately, I have to decide soon because I need to write the script so I can go over it in my head.

Also, I’ve decided to take Carrie Hope Fletcher’s book challenge and join the October Club. I haven’t chosen my books yet because 1) I’d read the first two books Carrie Hope Fletcher said she was reading, and 2) I didn’t want to read books I had already read, even though i’d never reviewed them publicly, which I actually want to do one day. But for now, I’ll go to the library tomorrow and pick out a book for the week.

Anyhoo, that’s all I really have the energy to say because i am mindlessly watching vlogbrothers. But speaking of vlogbrothers I’m going to answer Hank’s annual survey:

1. Your name:  Averi

2. Your Web page: http://www.youtube.com/user/JustSayAl0ha

3. What have you been up to this past year (please be as detailed as possible, because we actually want to know)? That’s such a deep question. One could go on for paragraphs or ages, but I’ll try not to be that long. I spent most of the beginning of the year watching most of my friendships fall to pieces as I prepared and then graduated from my senior year of high school, had a few great good bye parties, got addicted to Sims3 thanks to my best friend Kristin, then I had more good byes, and got ready for college and had my birthday-which happens to be on raywilliamjohnson’s birthday-and then two days later i took a painful 13 hour flight to new york city and started college. Now I’m about 6 weeks into college, I’ve made some friends, drawn some pictures, procrastinated, discovered netflix instant queue, saw some good movies around Manhattan, bought a BOGUS phone from Simple Mobile(bogus phone company) which was not only over a year out of warranty, but used and already pretty much broken. Also I started vlogging on youtube, and I have 4 videos out so far. I’m trying to decide on my next one, which I already said earlier, so you’re pretty much up to date.

4. How much longer do you think you’ll be doing what you’re doing?

I haev a feeling what are you doing was actually the last question, but that’s not what it said on google, but whatever. Anyhoo, I’m watching vlogbrothers and I will probably continue to watch vlogbrothers for the rest of the night…and maybe into the morning. . . . .

5. Why are you doing it?

because Vlogbrothers. DUH. nuff said.

6. What do you want to be doing?

Pretty much exactly what I am doing. I’m good.

Although, there really is a LOT that I want to do right now. I want to be a famous youtuber and make video collabs with more famous youtubers like the vlogbrothers, and ytf, and ryan higa, and lana mckissack and just about every other youtuber I watch, and plan on mentioning in further videos.

I would like to be an artist, making famous artist things. I want to read all the time, like all the books i want to read, and I want to buy all those books and i want to own a bookshelf room, which is a room full of bookshelves and full of books that are amazing. And I want to make more videos, but I kind of already said that, but i meant in the general sense of making videos, and I want ot draw more and i want to do some more comics and i want to finish my homework, but i dont want to DO my homework, but i do want to go to manhattan, and i want to travel the world, and i want to go to other countries, and i want to learn another language….. and i want to keep going with this list of wants, but i really shouldn’t. ;P

7. What’s next in your life?

heck if i know. Collaborations with epic youtubers, i hope. And… you know… the continuing of living under a roof, with food and money, and maybe school and/or a job. . .😐

8. How You Doin’?

Fairly well. I have more or less finished my homework for tomorrow and i am, as i have said already a bunch of times, watching vlogbrothers, and they are hilarious.

9. What’s the best book you read this year?

Hm, I really don’t know. I would have to say it was most likely a John Green book, because after last year’s 52 book challenge, I more or less took a break from reading. it wasn’t that I really wanted to, it’s just that I had a lot to do. I think this year I have read the least amount of books I have ever read in a while year.😦 I’m so disappointed in myself. I’m thinking about doing a 12 book challenge next year. We’ll see.

Oh, but anyhoo, my favorite book is one of the John Green books because he is slowly but surely fighting his way to my favorite author. Only thing is he’s got to beat Tamora Pierce, and I’m sorry John Green but that is just a tall order to fill. Write a few more books, you’re very close behind.

Oh, and i won’t tell you what book.

10. Describe a perfect day? Hanging out with awesome people who don’t suck and dont’ think that I suck, and maybe even think i’m awesome.:)

11. Assuming that all things come to an end…how do you think humans will go extinct? Well, I’ve always been told the whole sun thing. you know, the sun is going to explode in about 50 billion years, and assuming humans are there at that time, I’m betting that’s when it’s gonna happen. And if we’re not going to be around at that time….. I’m betting the end has something to do with money.

12 How are you feeling about kids these days?

I’m 18. I think they’re gross. (ie., they’re only adorable when they’re not yours!)

13 (- In this space, compose your own question, and answer it -)

Who is your favorite youtuber? Ryan Higa, AKA nigahiga. ♥♥♥😀

14 Ambrozzo tastes better than anything else, what does ambrozzo taste like?

I don’t know. I don’t know what ambrozzo is, and I don’t have the energy to go google it.

15 If you were a cliché, what cliché would you be?

A fool and her money are soon parted.

16 What is your least favorite part of any given day?

waking up. Or using the bathroom.

17 Do you enjoy science fiction?

yes, I do actually. not as much as the typical or stereotypical nerd, but enough. I read the Ender series last year, as part of my 52, and I was very sad to see it end.

18 Cheese or Chocolate?

Chocolate. most def for sure(<- reference. ask to find out what)

19 Where would you live if you could live anywhere?

I would actually rather live everywhere. It is my dream to travel the world and stuff. Go to fun and exotic places.

20 What was your first concert?

I never really count it, but some celebrities put on shows for the military, so I’ve  seen Lt. Dan Band and Seether. But they were not in typical concert settings. Lt. Dan Band was in a small movie theater, and Seether performed at a family festival.😦 Not really conert-like, so I usually say I haven’t really been to any concerts.

21 If you could start a business that would be instantly successful, what kind of business would it be?

That is such a tough questions because I feel as though I only have one choice, although that isn’t really the case. But if I had to chose, obviously it’d be something I like, so drawing, or making videos(altho i dont think i’d go very far just yet), or reading. Or internet browsing. If i could have a job jsut playing on the internet, that would be cool.

22 Invisibility or Time Travel?

As the majority of people have seemed to agree on, I’d say time travel. I dont say that because everyone says so, I just like time travel better. There’s just so much more possibilities.:)

23 What’s wrong with the world?

The level of suck is still too high.

 

That’s it WordPress. Hope to see you soon. :3



{September 15, 2012}   Long time no type

Hey guys,

So I know I haven’t blogged in forever.

Doesn’t that seem to be what everyone says when they haven’t been around in forever? Anyhoo, mostly it’s because I’ve been too lazy. Also, a lot has been going on. Where did I leave off? Oh yeah, August.

August was a fun month, but also a stressful one. I got the last of my things together to go to school, I had my 18th birthday, and I moved to New York City.

It’s september now. I’ve been going to school for about three weeks now, and it already feels like I’ve been here awhile. You know how school gets. Unless you don’t.

I’ve got some great classes, but you’ll find out about those later, because I have even bigger news:

I finally started vlogging on Youtube!

Do you remember, if you read it at all, at the beginning of this, I said I wanted to be a vlogger on youtube? And so, yesterday, I did. I am officially a vlogger. I plan to do a lot more things.

There are downfalls though. Not really, but where there’s good news, there’s always bad news.

My videos are completely unedited because my Windows Movie Maker is broken and I’m too cheap to get something else. The IT guys say they can look at it, but it’ll take a day or so, and I don’t know if I want to go a day or so without my laptop. That means i have to get up off my butt and go to the library. Which…I love the library, but I just don’t want to get up and go there over the weekend. I don’t know what to do.

Overall, I think it looks okay, I’m a little rough around the edges, but I’ll get used to it.

I have this urge now though, as when starting a lot of things, to just keep doing it. I feel like I want to hurry up and put out video after video. A video apologizing for the crappiness of the last video, or adding more onto what I’d said because I can’t edit it, or just ranting on about more stuff so that I get myself out there faster, but all good things must be done in moderation. I can see myself now, throwing a bunch of uncut rants onto youtube, and after maybe a week or so, I’ll run out of ideas, and then…. well, then I’m lost.😦

So, I’ve decided to make Thursdays my video days because I have those days off. I guess I’ll keep blogging though, if only just to apologize about whatever video I’d just made and make fun of it so that you don’t have to. xD

So, without further adeu, here is my video on my new youtube channel, JustSayAl0ha. (that’s a #0, not a letter o)

Don’t mind the fact that I start out too close to the camera, or that I say Aloha weird, or that I say stuff a lot, or the quality kind of goes weird, or that I just talk about myeslf… and …. oh, the insecurities I will have. ^____^’



The first John Green book that I read was not The Fault in Our Stars that I’d wanted to read. I couldn’t find it the first day. He mentioned it most when I was watching his videos, so I really wanted to get to that one. But An Abundance of Katherines was first.

It’s about a boy named Colin who’s a child prodigy, but not a genius, who loves to anagram and he’s in love with a girl named Katherine. And he’s always in love with a girl named Katherine. He has recently just been dumped by Katherine 19, and his friend decides they need a road trip, so the drive away for the summer, and end up in the middle of no where, where they think the Archduke Francin Fernandad is burried, and they meet a girl named Lindsey, who is dating a boy also named Colin–they call him TOC.

Colin tries to get over his heartbreak, but at the same time decided to make an equation that can predict the dumper, dumpee, and duration of a relationship using his past Katherine relationships. When he lists them all to Lindsey at the end, I wondered if there was a significance in using roman numerals for some of them verses numbers, or written out in letters numbers, or titles. Maybe it was just so he didn’t seem like he was repeating himself.

Colin is a really smart person, but he’s apparently not a genius. He explains the difference and all, saying that he just learns quickly and doesn’t have original thoughts and stuff. His equations for relationships include a lot of numbers and letters and symbols, and it was interesting to see beucase I’d taken a statistics class this year, so I could actually understand the structure of some of the graphs and mathmatical things, but I couldn’t really understand it all that very well. But I understood partially. And that was pretty cool. There was quite a bit of math though, and I would like to point out that on pg 61, footnote 31, John Green promises no more math, but there is math on pg 123, footnotes 61-67. And Footnote 68 says that huge equation doesn’t count,  but yes it does John Green. Yes it does.

He even came up with a sentence to remember the first 99 numbers of Pi, which I actually think would be difficult for even him, because I imagine someone like Colin would prefer to be grammatically correct. I would also like a friend like Colin because he knows a lot of facts, and random useless facts are always interesting, at least to me. Someone like Colin would intrigue me. I also wondered what words he had on his list of unanagramable words. He said he tried to be ambidextrious too like President Garfield. I’ve tried to be ambidextrious. Not writing at the same time, but with either or…I just don’t have the patience.

I have two favorite lines in the book. Lindsey tells Colin to let it out because he has to cry, but he says, “But I can’t, because if I let it out it’ll sound like a bullfrog’s mating call” (I forgot what page it was on). And that was just hilarious, because that’s the kind of thing smart people think about. My second favorite line is also a line by Colin: ” “I figured something out,” he said aloud, “The future is unpredictable.” “(pg 213) That was a good line.

The book ended well enough. The moment I read about Lindsey, I was afraid of her becoming a love interest, and as the book progressed, I still didn’t want her for him. It’s not that I had anything against Lindsey, I just wanted Colin to get the Katherine thing right. Then TOC ended up being a jerk, and I knew it was over. Colin kind of ended up exactly where he started, but he was over Katherine a bit. Good enough book. I give it a 4 out of 5.

 

Also, I decided to do one book a blog, because I’m tired of writing for now. Ok then. See ya.😀



{July 3, 2012}   John Green

Have you ever found an artist of some sort that you liked so much, you went back through their career and looked for every movie they’d been in, ever book they’d written, every thing they’d made, just to see if they’ve always been so great? I do that often. Matt Damon, Tom Hanks, various Youtubers, Tamora Pierce, Caroline B. Cooney, among others, and now John Green.

I’d heard John Green’s name before because some Youtubers I watch–specifically Alex Day AKA nerimon– mention him sometimes. Then Charlie McDonnell AKA Charlieissocoollike went and stayed over Hank Green’s place, John Green’s brother. So I wanted to see Hank Green’s video with Charlie in it, and then I started watching the vlog brothers. I’d heard about the vlog brothers, but I’d never actually watched them. They’re actually pretty good.

I’d heard they were good, but part of the reason I never really branch out on what I watch on youtube is because it’s a lot to follow. I definitely watch more people than I did when I started watching in like, 2007. For a good three years the only youtuber I ever watched was Ryan Higa, AKA nigahiga. Then there was kevjumba, happyslip, wongfuproductions, davedays, mysteryguitarman, nerimon, charlieissocoollike, raywilliamjohnson, and meekakitty, and then everyone started making second channels, so I had to watch them too, plus YOMYOMF or YTF, which gave me another several youtubers to watch. That’s a lot of people to watch. So yeah, it’s obvious that I’m not against watching more youtubers…it’s just that I spend a whole lot of time on the internet to begin with.

Where was I? Oh yeah, so John Green. I’d watched some of his videos and remembered–also he might have mentioned it in one or two or several videos– that he was an author. So the next day, I went to the school library and borrowed all of his books. It took me a week, but I finished them all. And had thoughts about them. I thought I’d share my thoughts, if you don’t mind, but not on this blog, because that would be too long. I’ll do two books each. So yes, let us get started.



{July 2, 2012}   Happy July

So, I realize I haven’t written anything in a while. But I didn’t know I hadn’t written anything for all of June. woops. I know it’s not a total big deal(Also, I Lost the Game, thank you Zoey) to everyone, considering I don’t have a lot of people following me or reading or whatever. At least, as far as I can tell. I don’t get any comments, so either no one’s reading, or I’m jsut not interesting enough.

June went by fairly well, thanks for asking. I graduated. That was pretty cool. I’m officially done with high school. No more high school stress……now I’ve got college stress, yay! Not. I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to be doing, and I feel like an idiot when I try to ask. My ‘rents seem to expect me to know what to do already, which is so far from the truth it isn’t funny. I got a little flustered yesterday when my mom yelled at me for not knowing what I’m supposed to bring. It’s really not my fault. I’ve been researching, and I see the lists and I think I know what I’m supposed to do. All I’m missing is that confirmation that I’m doing the right thing. The person that tells me I’m headed in the right direction. And, no, it can’t be any of my friends because like hell I trust them–no offence, you guys– and it can’t be Zoey because she’s younger than me, and there’s something about being reassured by someone younger than you with less experience that just makes me feel more worried. I really really reaalllyyy have no idea what I’m doing. Not that anyone really cares. Yes, yes, I hate to be melodramatic, but that’s how I’m feeling just about now. I’ve never had to take care of myself before, so I have no idea how anyone could expect me to just up and know what to do!

Anyhoo, after my landry finishes drying, I plan on putting it away, doing the dishes, organizing my closet, and getting stuff ready to get rid of. That’s about as far as my personal capabilities go, and I’m even lacking on those as far as I’ve been told. I’m trying to get rid of a lot of shirts. I think I mentioned once before that i have a lot of clothes. My pants aren’t that much of a concern…if anything, I’d like more. I never seem to have the right one. It’s my shirts that concern me. I’m not sure how many I have right now, but probably around close to 200. My goal would be around 20, actually. Even 50. Even 70.

Then toys. I have a lot of toys and trinkets and such. I like them, and it took years to collect them all…and a lot of money. I want to keep them. But I have to get rid of them. I’m kind of a pack rat, so if you are too you know exactly how much it kills me to get rid of anything. If you aren’t, well, I wish I was more like you. Yes, yes, 17 and I still have toys. Stuffed animals, key chains, Bratz dolls, beanie babies, even a barbie.

For now, though, I’m procrastinating. I went on a run this morning. I go running every other day during the week. Usually with my friend, Lisa. I run all the way down to her house, which takes me about 30 minutes at a slightly-faster-than-jogging pace, and she joins me and we run back to my house. Then we chill for about a half hour and she runs back home. It’s a fairly nice system. And the running is not even as hard as it was when I started this last year. I guess I have cross country to thank for that. Last year when I started this running thing with Lisa, I would call a walking break every 5 minutes. Running seemed to take forever. This year the only hard part about excersizing is waking up. It’s the only thing that keeps Lisa from running for this past week. And without someone to run with, it’s just not as worth it. I only started this so that I could hang out with Lisa. Running was an idea, but I needed a friend.

I just finished eating lunch. Isn’t that interesting? Mac’n Cheese with tuna…and something about that combination makes me want juice, so I also drank some Orange banana strawberry juice, otherwise known as Onanaberry juice in my house. Zoey comes in occasionally to show me her new song she’s working on. My name’s in it, as well as our friend Sky’s. Zoey’s going to be one of those Youtube musicians and stuff, with albums out. I’m wedging myself in there by declaring myself her album artist. Haha. How to Ride on the Coattails of Someone Who Isn’t Famous Yet. I should write a book.

Anyhoo, June, yes. It’s been well. Just boredom, and stress, and art. I still have that art shop on gaiaonline, and I’ve been doing a lot more digital stuff. I’ve been gettin better, which is encouraging, but I’ve still got so far to go. Also, I got paid yesterday, and I’m trying to decide between a tablet and a set of these really cool art markers. I know, big difference. but they’re REALLY good markers. Apparently. I don’t know…I only have, like, two. But all my anime freak friends nerd out over them, so I’m assuming they’re pretty bad ass.

Oh yeah, also, it’s July now. I don’t have much plans. Have to hang out with friends who are leaving this month, running, art, cleaning,  etc., etc., etc. kthxbai



{June 2, 2012}   Tokyo Disneyland

On the third day of my senior trip, technically the last day, we finally went to Tokyo Disneyland. I still find the concept of going somewhere off island for the weekend pretty amazing. Like I can afford to just go somewhere over the weekend, like Disneyland.

We woke up around 7:30 this day, because we didn’t even fall asleep until around 2 in the morning. We were down and eating by 7:45, but I had to go back up because in my exhaustion, I had forgotten to upload my pictures and videos from the day before onto my laptop, so it was taking up 80% of my memory, because I like taking photos and videos. But the camera cord was being weird and losing connection, so I ended up keeping them all and having to use my memory sparingly. I mean, I had thousands of pictures left, but only about 5 minutes of video left, and I like taking videos. Guess I didn’t really need to worry because this day would prove to be a day I would have just liked to have in my memory and slowly fade away until I only remember the good parts because the bad parts supposedly go away with time.

We can hope.

The day started out well. We rode the subways to Disney, and then to Disneyland, and after a group picture we were let on our own. John’s mom and Misty Anne ended up not really knowing how to lead us anywhere, so Princess and John just led the way on all the trains–which later proved to be not a good idea, because Erika and I almost got left on a train to somewhere else twice. But we made it to Disneyland finally. Disney was still in Easter mode in the end of May, so there were eggs and stuff hidden all over Disney–well, more or less hidden–. Of course, my group of four stayed together despite my hints that maybe today would have been best split in twos. We didn’t really have much of a plan. We wanted to ride space mountain. And we did. After that we just winged it(wung it?). Another ride that was an absolute must, though, was It’s a Small World. It is a Disneyland tradition to ride that ride, no matter how annoying it is. Which, I actually don’t find it very annoying. I wonder what that says about me.

We went for all the big rides mostly, while shopping around. At Tokyo Sea, I got Zoey her Nom Hat but I had yet to find anything for my other three family members. Whenever I go on a trip, like LinguaFest or this, where I have to get something for someone, or a bunch of people, there is always one person I can just keep buying for. In Korea, it was Lisa because everything was cute and purple, but everything there was cheaper and everything in Disney was expensive, so I had to refrain myself.

The rides in Tokyo are funny because they’re all in Japanese. We can’t understand a word of it. I don’t know if that adds to the effect, or takes away from it.

The first thing we did was get fastpasses for space mountain because that is the ultimate necessary ride to ride in Disneyland. While we waited for that ride, we wandered around Tomorrowland and happened upon a Michael Jackson movie. I don’t really know what the movie was called, but we decided to go in. It wasn’t until we were in the waiting room for a few minutes that it occured to us that this entire 35 minute film could be entirely in Japanese, but we decided to chance it anyhoo. It was, luckily, spoken in English with Japanese subtitles on the side. It was a film about a younger Michael Jackson (I think his name was EO)–I’d say late teens to early 20s– on a mission in space to save some planet with the power of song. And he did. And it was a good song.

After that, we looked around a shop or two, and then rode space mountain. I’d never ridden space mountain before, so it was very interesting. It was great. The only thing I found was that I had no need to scream. Or yell. Or shout. Usually on such rides as rollercoasters, people scream and yell and shout, but I found all day that the rides weren’t that fast or scary. So maybe it was just Disney. Or maybe I was already in a bad mood from the start.

We found Toontown after the ride, and rode a Rodger Rabbit ride, while looking around and stuff. I found my mom a gift; a chip and dale pillow. My logic was that my mom likes chip and dale, and she likes pillows, and I needed something to lean on while I was waiting in line all day, so it al worked out for the best. We didn’t get to go to Mickey and Minnie’s house because there was a wait.😦 But a wait did not keep us from “It’s a Small World”. Actually, a parade did, but only for a few minutes. The others were getting annoyed at the parades, but I liked them. Who doesn’t love a Disney parade? Anyhoo, IASW. I refrained myself from taking videos with the idea that there’s probably no ride ever that hasn’t been somehow recorded and put on youtube, even if cameras aren’t allowed. I believe that people would have brought a camera in there and not got caught somehow. I really do. People are like that.

After IASW we rode the spinning Tea Cups –did I mention we were in Fantasyland now?– which were a lot faster than I had anticipated, and then we ate lunch at the Queen’s Banquet place, or something. I had a salad, which I thought would elicit some teasong from my friends, because they seemed to comment whenever I try to watch my wallet, but they didn’t say anything. We also got a cake…an Unbirthday Cake, to be exact. The name of it made it necessary to have, and we split it into four. We didn’t sing or anything, which I just now thought would have been fun. I don’t really think I know all the words, but  I have no doubt one of them did.

We were stopped by another parade on the way to the Haunted Mansion, which was like IASW to John(which is lame because it’s so not a tradition). I took pictures while the others complained, and when it cleared up ten minutes later, we waited in line for probably almost an hour and went on that ride, which turned out to be really cool because they had amazing holographics or something. The guys had notices at one point that while Disneysea seemed took overestimate waiting time, Disneyland underestimated it. We went to Westernland, or whatever that land is called, and rode the Thunder Mountain. That line to for-freaking-EV-ER. While we waited, the others took out their iphones and listened to music and played games. Eventually Erika listened to Princess’ with him, and gave me hers to play stick wars. I gave it back after about an hour and Princess gave me his, although he could still listen to music while they did that.

Finally we were headed towards the castle. I wanted to look through the castle, so we went that way, although we almost got caught in another parade–Easter themed this time–. Unfortunately the line was to long and the others didn’t actually wante to wait to go to the castle–they didn’t even want to go in. So I said I didn’t want to go either, and we made our way to other rides. I won’t pretend I wasn’t disappointed anymore. I really did want to go into the castle. But I had to settle for the Pirates of the Carribean ride, which was okay, but Princess and John made fun of me for something in the line and made me mad, so I pretty much just spent the ride trying not to cry. I know, sounds pathetic. Role your eyes if you must I was not happy on that ride, and I had had enough of those guys teasing me. But I’m a weak person, so I just let them do what they want.

Things took a turn for the sour around evening.

We went shopping and I found a gift for my brother–a towel hood thing– and my father– a donald duck baseball cap. We tried to go to dinner at this fancy cafe that we’d passed int the PoC ride, but it turned out to be too gormet for our taste, and we ate at a pizza place instead.

Sometimes I feel sorry for Princess. Pissing people off all the time has got to be a little sad. I can’t think of how I’d feel if I at least managed to piss one person off a day, or a week. How would it feel if pissing off two people in one hour wasn’t even a record? But then I remember that he’s kind of just an a**hole and doesn’t really care. I still feel sorry for him. That’s the thing about him. I hate him all the time, but he’s my best friend so I can’t stay mad at him. It’s so contradictory.

Anyhoo, that’s exactly what happened. He and John pissed me off and I kind of cried because despite their beliefs I’m just a girl and I get really hurt when they insult me all the time. Then Princess pissed Erika off because he was still mad about me being pissed off, so he stormed off and left Erika alone, and then she got mad and took it out on John–which inevitably happens to anyone on Princess’ side at the moment of not happy–. She felt bad and John felt mad and we all apologized and met again so we could watch fireworks and finish the rest of the weekend.

And then the fireworks show was cancelled because of bad weather.

Hm. This ended up a sad blog, but the night didn’t end that badly. It’s just that I’m writing this a week later, and I’m watching Skyrim, so I’m not interested in finishing as much. Good weekend overall, and then we went home the next day. Yay. The end.

see you later.



{May 30, 2012}   “Senior Trip” part dos

We woke up around 6:30 on Saturday because continental breakfast was at 7 and we had to leave at 8. We got down to a small room, where check-ins and outs and other customer services are held, with one tv, two small couches and coffee tables. On the counter, there were baskets of granola bars, small bluberry muffins, oranges, and bagels. I had a bagel with cream cheese and a chocolate chip granola bar, and sat on the floor because the couches were taken by John’s mom and Misty Anne, as well as some other guests I didn’t know.

Misty Anne’s name is actually Miss Deanne, which is what John’s mom called her. Everyone else just called her Deanne. Personally, I thought when “miss” was put in front of her name, it sounded like “Misty Anne” so while I never had a reason to call to her, I silently refered to her as such. It wouldn’t have caused much controversy had I gone through with it anyhoo, because it sounds just like her name, just with what could be a hard “D.”

Anyhoo, I finised my small breakfast and returned to my room to get ready for today. Now, I’m not like everyone else who wears Disney themed clothes to Disneyland. I had brought a Mickey Mouse shirt with me that I did get at Tokyo Disney last year, but I wore it the day before I went to Disney. Friday. On Saturday, I wore my Raywilliamjohnson “What’s up forum?” shirt. I know. I’m sooo cool. Anyhoo, we weren’t going to Disneyland today. We were going to Disney Sea, which you would think would just be full of water rides, but actually it’s just like Disneyland, except it has more water themed sections like the little mermaid and atlantis, and there’s a big ship.

We were fairly agreeable when it came to planning and going on rides and things. We all pretty much wanted the same things, so we just planned one step at a time and we all had fairly equal input–at least, those of us who cared where we went–. One of the first rides we tried to go on was Jouney to the Center of the Earth, a roller coaster that went around a man-made fire-spitting volcano. we waited in lone for about an hour before there was an announcement on the PA that announced something in Japanese and a lot of people started to leave. It took a minute to find someone among the many Japanese who could speak english enough to translate for us, but even then it was a very confusing translation. We decided to stick around to see what happened, since there were still people staying in line. Then the line moved again, but it wasn’t because the ride was fixed, but that they were giving us priority passes, which is basically like a fastpass but with no time limit, as a sorry gift.

We decided it was best to assume the ride would not be fixed, so we were going to use our tickets on the Tower of Terror. That was on the other side of the park though, so we slowly made our way over there, while going on other rides and doing other things. In every section, we always found a bathroom, just as a general rule implanted in all of our heads as children to at least try to go to the bathroom before you go to stand in a line for hours, so you don’t have to go once you get there. We rode the Indiana Jones ride. Twice, actually because the first time we went on, we sat in the back and in our picture, John’s face was hilariously covered by a sun hat held in the extended arm of a woman two rows in front of us. Our second time around, we were able to sit in the very first row, and we held up a Y M C A. I was the “A”.

Apparently, John refuses to ride the ToT. His mother always wants to take him on it, and that day he decided we would ride it with us to spite her. Well, not spite. Just to ride it without her. I supposed it’s one of those teenage rebellion things I was never able to grasp in my adolence. Whenever people go on a scary ride with pictures, there’s always someone who tries to play it off. We were those someones. Erika had a deck of cards, so we each grabbed five and the plan was to look at them intently, so we seemed like we were playing cards and the ride didn’t affect us.

Only John pulled this off.

I didn’t know when the camera was going to go, so when we got to the top, I had looked out the window right before we fell. I managed to pull off this “man, this deck sucks” face. It was Erika’s first time on the ToT, so she hadn’t braced herself for the freefalls. Her face manages to look like “man, I’m screwed with this deck” face, though we all know really she has a terrified look of iamsonotreadyforthisohmygoshthiswasabadide-AAAAAAAAAA. Yeah. And Princess didn’t really bother to go with it. He was just smiling because he was laughing at Erika’s screaming at the top of her lungs. Which was kind of funny. She didn’t expect the ride to continue, so after the first fall was over she was like “oh thank goodness” and then it started again and then she started screaming again.

When we finished the ToT, we ran into John’s mom and Misty Anne, who told us the Journey to the Center of the Earth ride was working again and completely worth the TWO HOUR WAIT. When in Disneyland–or sea–get used to long lines. Because they are everywhere. We went to lunch in the Lost River Delta part, at a place called Yucatan Base Camp Grill. The others wanted curry, but I don’t like curry and my friends aren’t THAT mean that they’d make me sit through that smell that they think it great knowing full well I would refuse to eat. The grill place was good. I had chicken, which didn’t come out as I’d expected. I think I was craving turkey legs.

We explored more after that. I was actually on a mission on this trip, and that was to find Zoey a nom hat. I don’t know if you’ve ever been to Disney, but if you have, have you ever seen those hats with the character’s head as the hat part, and a small body hanging off of it, so it looks like the character is eating your head? Last year, Zoey and I saw it and promptly named it a Nom Hat. I told the others, and the name stuck. Feel free to use it. Zoey and I will feel immensly happy even if you try to deny we made it up. 

We stood in the huge line for Journey, where the fast pass line was longer than the actual line, which meant the actual line took a helluva lot longer than ever because FP people got priority, so out of the 4 lines there were for the ride, three of them were for FP and 1 was for regular line people. It ended up being okay. I don’t think it was really worth it. There was one part we were really looking foward to, and that was the drop. Erika and I agreed that it was a disappointment. It didn’t even go that fast, and the drop was so short. The Indiana Jones ride was faster.

We saw mermaid lagoon, which we all had agreed was some kid’s land, but turned out to be way cooler than we thought because it was actually some underground layer of awesome.

We didn’t really eat dinner, but we grabbed some manapua from a snack shack and went shopping more. Then it was ten o’clock and our feet were exhausted and the park was closing, so we all met and rode the subways back home and died on the beds.

And that was the second day of the so-called senior trip.



et cetera
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