Moving Out and Moving On

Maybe it’s because I’m not in high school anymore, I feel like I shouldn’t be living with my parents. I feel like I failed after I stopped going to college. It’s not like I was paying for it myself anyhoo. It’s annoying that I’m still not an independent person. And it feels worse with every day I stay here. Mostly because I’m not doing anything. I don’t have a job, I don’t do anything. I sleep and watch tv, then I go to PT twice a week. I should be working out more and getting out often but I don’t. Ugh. How is it I can hate myself so much but not do anything about it!? And I’m always guilt tripping. My parents ask me what I’ve done today and it’ s always nothing. Always sleeping in and not working out and watching tv and reading instead. I feel like they’re disappointed. They don’t believe I’ll ever leave. They don’t think I’m good enough. But I do want to leave. I think I’m trying. I know I’m not trying hard enough but I want to leave. I don’t like being a useless adult living with her parents who fight all the time. I was ready to leave home when I was 18 and I was never coming back. I wasn’t trying to stay here. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I get motivate for a day or so and then I’m lazy and unmotivated again. What’s the point of doing anything? How do I find the motivation? Why am I so useless? I’ve started this new year under terrible conditions. I haven’t actually done anything and the first month of the year is almost over!!! I put charts all over my room to keep track of my progress and there’s nothing but red lines to mark my inactivity. I schedulss e my day to stay productive, but I can’t see anything but the snooze button in the morning. I try all the tricks to make myself wake up. I place the alarm across the room; I stand up snooze it and bring it back to the bed so I can snooze it later. I’m very good at talking myself out of doing things. I know I’m a pathetic loser because I admit it and I don’t do anything about it. And no one tells me any different because they believe it too. I don’t have any friends around me to talk to or hang out with. My parents probably think I’m useless, and whenever I open my mouth they get angry. I should learn to stop having opinions. It only gets me in trouble. I know after ranting like this I’ll probably try tomorrow to stay out of the house. Take the dogs for a walk. Maybe I’ll even do it Friday. But it just seems like every couple of days I have to remind myself what a useless human being I am in order to get anything done. It’s a miserable way to live. I just hope I can get into boot camp and I’ll feel better when I can finally be independent.

I’ve never felt really confident before. I’m kind of afraid I’ll never learn how.